How much time in bed is too much? When you’re in the slog of insomnia, you are met with conflicting advice, making a seemingly simple decision feel like a cryptic riddle. On the one hand, sleep hygiene dictates that we should only use the bed for sleep and sex. On the other hand, many insomniacs have an impulse to go to bed earlier to try to catch whatever sleep scraps they can. But wait, some advice suggests intentionally narrowing your sleep window and going to bed later than usual. Then, there’s the rule that you’re supposed to get out of bed if you can’t sleep after 20 minutes. The overwhelm is real. 

Is there a magic number? Which rules do you follow? Since when did trying to figure out how much time you should spend in bed become so important? 

If you are confused, you’re not alone. Let’s make sense of this mess of conflicting advice so you get out of your head, and start to trust your body again.

Part of why people often have unhelpful advice for insomniacs, is because conventional wisdom is based on a false belief that sleep issues need to be ‘fixed’ in the same way you might fix a car. But alas, the human psyche is more complex than this, and insomnia itself is a paradox - the more you try and ‘fix’ it, the worse it often gets. This knowledge is not yet in the mainstream though, so many people are understandably acting based on this outdated ‘fix it’ model.

Without a thorough understanding of insomnia, it is natural to focus all your attention on how to get more sleep. Focusing on sleep is often actually part of the problem though, since it itends to be driven by fear. Had I realized this earlier on in my struggles, I may have not spent years spinning my wheels. Although better sleep is what everyone with insomnia wants, getting that does not necessarily mean that your insomnia will be healed. If the fear still remains, any disruption to sleep again could trigger the insomnia to come back. This is why it can continue for so long.

As an insomnia coach, therapist and recovered insomniac, below I explore why focusing primarily on sleep is not the most effective approach to recovery and where to shift your focus instead.